"Quem Ama Cuida": how to identify a toxic relationship, like Elenice's?

In "Quem Ama Cuida", a soap opera of the nine broadcast on TV Globo since May, the marriage between Elenice (Mariana Sena) and Tom (Allan Souza Lima) has been consolidated as one of the parallel plots most talked about by the public.

Neighbor and best friend of the protagonist Adriana (Letícia Colin), Elenice is described by the production itself as a generous and hard-working woman who lives trapped in an abusive relationship without noticing the signs. Tom, in turn, works odd jobs in construction, boasts of being the breadwinner and does not allow his wife to work, demonstrating a controlling behavior that gradually advances, without the character recognizing it as such.

The construction of the couple has had repercussions precisely because it puts on screen a type of dynamic that rarely appears explicitly, but that psychologists frequently encounter in their offices: relationships in which control is disguised as protection and affection coexists, side by side, with fear.

To understand how this pattern forms and how to identify it before it becomes routine, the psychologist, researcher and founder of the Vita Alere Institute, Karen Scavacini, details the signs that tend to go unnoticed, both by those in the relationship and by those observing from the outside.

What differentiates conflict from toxicity
For Karen, the line between a healthy relationship and a toxic relationship is not the absence of conflict, but what that conflict produces. "A toxic relationship is one in which the bond and relationship cease to be a space of care and start to generate fear, insecurity, guilt, control or diminishment of the person", explains the psychologist.

According to her, every relationship goes through difficulties; the difference is in how these difficulties are resolved. "In a healthy relationship, even if it is difficult, there is dialogue and respect, and in a toxic one, the pattern is pain and suffering", he adds.

It is exactly this pattern that the narrative of "Quem Ama Cuida" tries to capture: not an isolated event of violence, but a succession of small pains that accumulate until they become part of the couple's routine.

The first signs, almost always ignored
One of the most delicate points on the subject, according to the expert, is that the first signs of a toxic relationship rarely appear as warning signs. They arrive in disguise. "Often the first signs appear in a subtle way: rush to control the routine, criticism disguised as a joke, jealousy treated as proof of love, withdrawal from friends and family, need to know everything all the time", describes the expert.

The difficulty in recognizing these behaviors as problematic, according to the psychologist, has a cultural root. "We still live in a culture where this type of behavior is seen as healthy and natural, which makes it even more difficult to identify that it is a toxic relationship," he says.

Who is most vulnerable and why
Although anyone can become involved in a toxic relationship, Karen identifies factors that increase this vulnerability. According to her, low self-esteem, a history of abusive relationships, fear of being alone, social isolation, financial or emotional dependence and moments of greater fragility in life are conditions that make someone more susceptible to this type of dynamic.

This intersection of factors appears frequently in the construction of characters like Elenice: the loss of financial autonomy, added to the desire to preserve the appearance of a structured family in the face of her friend and the surrounding community, creates precisely the type of environment in which control has room to grow without being questioned.

Control is not care, even when it appears to be
One of the central points raised by the psychologist is the difference between behaviors that look like love, but function as control. "Care respects freedom, control tries to limit freedom. The freedom to be who you are and how you are", says Scavacini.

For her, some specific behaviors work as clear signs of this type of dynamic: "when someone wants to decide who you talk to, what clothes you wear, where you go, how you spend your money, how long it takes to respond or makes you feel guilty for having your own life, it's much more about control than love."

In Tom's case, this pattern appears directly: by preventing his wife from working and building a narrative of himself as the sole provider of the home, the character takes away from Elenice both her financial autonomy and part of her social network outside the home, two elements that, according to the psychologist, usually appear together in relationships marked by control.

Jealousy: how normal it is and where it becomes a problem
Jealousy is one of the most recurring themes in discussions about relationships, and also one of the most used to justify abusive behavior. For Karen, it is not, in itself, a sign of trouble.

"Jealousy may appear at times, but it becomes a problem when it becomes surveillance, accusations, invasion of privacy, blackmail or attempts to limit choices", he explains.

The psychologist also makes a point of avoiding an extreme reading of the topic. According to her, respecting your partner's autonomy does not mean giving up expressing discomfort. "In a healthy relationship, it is possible to talk about insecurities, set limits and express discomfort without controlling, threatening or diminishing the other person's freedom", he says.

Maintaining your own life within the relationship
Among the attitudes that help preserve individuality within a loving relationship, the psychologist highlights the importance of maintaining living spaces that do not depend on the partner.

"Maintaining friends, interests, work, studies, money, moments alone and your own decisions is fundamental", says the expert, who summarizes the principle behind this recommendation: "a healthy relationship does not erase a person's individuality".

Self-esteem, according to her, works as a kind of internal warning system. "Self-esteem helps a person recognize when they are being diminished or disrespected", he explains. The problem is that this same self-esteem is usually precisely what erodes first within a toxic relationship, creating a cycle that is difficult to break alone.

"When self-esteem is very fragile, it can be more difficult to realize that you are not being cared for, or to believe that you deserve something better. And the dynamics of the relationship itself feeds and worsens low self-esteem", he adds.

The role of social networks in constant surveillance
Hyperconnectivity also enters the psychologist's analysis as a factor that can intensify controlling behaviors. According to her, messaging apps and social networks increase the feeling of surveillance within a relationship.

"Social networks can intensify surveillance, demands for immediate response, jealousy, comparison and control", he states. For the expert, this digital environment creates a distorted expectation of permanent availability: "hyperconnectivity can give the false idea that being in a relationship means being available all the time."

How to act when the signal comes from outside
Identifying the signals in yourself is only part of the challenge. Often, the person who notices first is someone outside the relationship. For friends and family who notice signs of a toxic relationship, Scavacini recommends caution in your approach.

"The best way is to speak carefully, without judgment and without trying to impose a decision. The person needs to feel that they have support, not that they will be criticized", he advises. The psychologist suggests that this conversation be built little by little: "show your concern, share some signs and be patient".

There is, however, a limit to this patience. Faced with any sign of violence or immediate risk, the recommendation changes its tone: "when you see that there is violence or that the person is in danger, report it", says the expert.

What to observe before building a relationship
For those who are at the beginning of a relationship and seek to avoid repeating this type of pattern, the psychologist proposes an active observation exercise. "I would say to observe and test how the person deals with limits, frustrations and differences", he recommends. According to her, these three scenarios - limit, frustration and difference of opinion - usually reveal, even at the beginning, behavioral traits that tend to intensify over time.

The psychologist summarizes what she considers the core of a healthy relationship in a few elements: "a healthy relationship has respect, trust, freedom, conversation and the possibility of disagreeing without fear". And it ends with a phrase that summarizes the central point of the entire interview: "love should not require us to diminish who we are."

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Source: CNN