No conflicts in the relationship? Understand what therapists say

The image of the perfect couple, who rarely argue and always seem to be in sync, is still one of the most widespread models when it comes to relationships. But, in practice, the absence of conflicts is far from being an indication of romantic success. On the contrary: for experts, couples who manage to get through the years together tend to be precisely those who don't shy away from difficult conversations.

To CNN Brasil, psychologist Alberto Nery, master and doctor in Psychology from USP, says that part of this mistaken perception arises from the way people understand the concept of "fight". Often, any disagreement is seen as something negative, while in other cases the word is only associated with situations of aggressiveness, disrespect or violence.

"If we consider a fight as something marked by offenses, aggression or psychological violence, really no healthy relationship should have this. But, when we talk about disagreements, different opinions and difficulties in reaching a consensus, we are talking about something natural in any relationship", he explains.

The difference lies precisely in the way the conflict is conducted. While destructive discussions are marked by personal attacks, lack of respect and attempts to beat the other person, healthy conflicts happen when there is a willingness to listen, understand and seek a joint solution.

For the professional, it may be more appropriate to replace the word "fight" with "difficult conversation". This is because disagreement, in itself, does not represent a threat to the relationship. In many cases, it can even strengthen the relationship.

Do more honest couples tend to argue more?
According to Nery, the answer is yes. Couples who are able to address sensitive topics tend to be more transparent about their needs, frustrations and expectations.

Instead of accumulating resentments or avoiding certain topics to preserve apparent tranquility, they feel more comfortable expressing what they think and feel. In the long term, this stance tends to favor the construction of more solid and authentic bonds.

"These couples don't keep everything to themselves and don't avoid difficult topics. They talk about what bothers them and try to find ways to solve the problems," he says.

When conflict strengthens the relationship
Not every argument weakens a relationship. Some signs indicate that the conflicts are being productive and contributing to the couple's growth.

As the expert explains, these include: the presence of respect during the conversation, the willingness of both parties to participate in the dialogue, the search for a common solution and the ability to recognize errors when necessary.

Another important aspect is the willingness to understand your partner's point of view, rather than just focusing on proving who is right.

"When there is openness to listen to others, recognize mistakes and make concessions when necessary, conflict stops being a threat and becomes a tool for strengthening the relationship", he highlights.

Is there a "normal" frequency of conflicts?
The answer is no. According to the psychologist, there is no ideal amount of discussions that can be applied to all relationships.

Couples with very different life stories, different values or varying levels of emotional maturity may face more conflicts, especially in the first years of living together. However, this does not necessarily mean that the relationship is in crisis.

In fact, in some cases, a greater frequency of difficult conversations may indicate that the couple is building alignment and learning to deal with differences.

Over time, however, the tendency is for many conflicts to become less frequent, as partners get to know each other better and develop more efficient forms of communication.

The myth that needs to be abandoned
Among the most common misconceptions about relationships is the belief that every conflict must be resolved immediately, in agreement with the professional.

The famous idea that couples should never sleep without resolving an argument can end up generating even more wear and tear, especially when both partners are tired, stressed or emotionally shaken.

For Alberto, insisting on a conversation when neither party is in a position to talk tends to make the situation worse. In many cases, the most mature attitude is to temporarily interrupt the discussion and resume it at another time, when there is more emotional balance.

"Resolving everything right away is not always the best solution. Sometimes, taking time to reflect and come back to the subject later greatly increases the chances of a productive conversation", he says.

When conflicts become a warning sign
Although conflicts are part of any healthy relationship, there are limits that should not be crossed.

The psychologist warns that arguments become worrying when they become excessively frequent, when the intensity only increases over time or when they begin to involve any form of violence.

Verbal aggression, humiliation, emotional manipulation, threats, intimidation and physical violence should never be seen as normal within a relationship.

To prevent conflicts from reaching this point, he recommends investing in self-knowledge, developing communication skills and seeking references such as "Non-Violent Communication (NC)". Therapy can also be an important ally in this process.

Above all, he highlights that the objective of a difficult conversation should not be to win a dispute, but to understand the other person.

"When a person enters a conversation wanting to understand before convincing, they have already taken a huge step towards building healthier relationships", he concludes.

Source: CNN